24 October 2006

Swallowing diamonds, a cutting throat...

My visit with mom was ok. If I didn't occupy her every minute, I would find her crying. I'm sure she sees me and wishes her perfect daughter didn't die, and what did she do to deserve this horrible thing happening to her.

I would find myself drifting when she would start telling me about how the devil gets into your head and puts bad thoughts into it. Then she would tell me that I don't understand. (because I believe that one's mind is making all of these worries. And who is she to say that to me? I have never spoken those words to my mom. Even when she doesn't have a notion about what I do or feel) So I was 13 again and getting a lecture about how I need to take my son to church and to talk to my other sister.

I just want to set the record straight and say I was not brought up with this crazy Fundamentalist Christian stuff. This has recently happened, especially with my mom. If my dad were alive, I'm sure it would be grounds for divorce. Seriously.

The little man made her laugh with crazy antics and all sorts of wacky stories.

I also carefully handpicked mom safe movie to keep her entertained. Spanglish, Connie and Carla, Bangor Sisters(I have secretly wanted to see this), and Failure to Launch.

No one died which was a big relief. And some made her laugh.

We went into the city one day and met Melvin for lunch at a cute diner. It was a nice warm day. Another relief.

She told me once she got home that she really did enjoy herself, even if it didn't seem like she did. I'm proud of her for saying that and grateful. She did seem unhappy. She's forever changed. And she has worried herself so much all of her life for something like this to happen. Not on a conscious level but really worried something tragic would happen to one of her girls, and it has.


Lilly said...

This is not a comment in respond to your post -- I haven't had the time to read it yet as I am at work -- sorry. Just wanted to drop you a wee message. I dreamt about you last night! We met in my dream, it was so cool :-D And today, of course, I am wearing the beautiful pink t-shirt you so kindly sent me [it very quickly became a fave] :-D

Have a good day -- hugs, Lilly

paintergirl said...

You had a dream about me?! Oh how fun is that-did we meet somewhere in Europe?

The pink shirt does look lovely on you-isn't she pretty...

And I do need those hugs. thank you love!!

acumamakiki said...

I'm glad that the visit went relatively well and I'm sorry for your mom's unhappiness. Sometimes I think that we're given the gift of family members, so we know how not to live our lives. I don't mean this mean to your mom, I've just had a lot of members of my own family choose to live their lives clouded with negativity and rather than let it beat me down, I use it as an example of how I don't want to live my life.


paintergirl said...

Hi kiki-
That is a really good way to think about it. One can never escape family and well they are in your blood. I think I have tried to not do what they have done and well, I don't know what to say about it. I think I mentally separated myself from my family a long time ago, and know they are separating from me with their religion. It's one thing for me to not talk about being an artist, it's another thing when I can't be with them for fear of being talked to about Jesus and demons. It makes my stomach hurt.

marybishop said...

PG - One of the hardest things in the world is to look at your growing-up family and think: I'm nothing like the rest of them.

I do that all the time. Both my sister and brother have alien viewpoints, hobbies, desires and beliefs that make my head spin.

I keep contact infrequent and as pleasant as possible, but it's different when it's your mother. We have a deep seated belief that we should all be very close to our mothers and this sometimes, just can't happen.

hugs to you and I'm glad you got some memories of your son and mom having fun together to hold on to.

Lilly said...

Oh sweet PG, I finally found the time to read this post -- sorry about the late reply. Well, second and context-related reply anyway!

I really feel with/for you -- it must be so sad seeing and experiencing your own mum like that. I cannot even begin to imagine what it's like -- I have no brothers or sisters. My parents got divorced when I was 11 -- it's not always been easy but regardless of that, both my parents have ALWAYS acted civile and in my best interest. They've always been there for me and continue to be there for me -- I know I am very lucky.

It must be so exhausting for you, PG. But I am glad that she did have a good time -- and I hope it wasn't all bad for you either -- warms my heart to hear that the wee man brought a smile to your mum's face. Kids have that wonderful gift.

The dream I had: I have no idea where on the planet we were. It was in a big house somewhere. I was there with you and David. The two of my blog friends that are both painters....strange!

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