30 August 2005

God save the queen...

I'm not a happy camper today. Everything is getting me down. The endless war we are in. The hysteria being made over oil and the price gouging. The state of our economy. You can see it's endless. And where I feel I have done the most harm, I have lied to myself and everyone for so long. I'm living a life that looks perfectly normal, but it is a facade. Being an artist trying to fit into society is hard, being a couple who are both artists is even tougher. Both of us are trying to fit into a world that does not appreciate working erratically. So we give up being really creative and force ourselves to do work that just puts more money in the big consumer's cog. And I can tell you that does not make me feel good.

For so long my husband and I have tried to fit in and be normal because that is what our parents knew and taught us. We have a family now and having a house and having a good job is what it's all about. Right? But we can't do it. It's hard because not only are we artists but we are both very sensitive to our environment and the unhappiness and the unjust in the world. I'm doing production work because it pays bills, but I really hate it. It's mindless and I honestly feel too removed by working on the computer. Am I being a big baby? Yes. But is it a good thing to be miserable because you are living by rules that were made for people to work in factories. Changes have to be made. For my family as well as society.


laurenbove said...

When I get like this I sometimes become overwhelmed. I recommed not talking yourself or your life or life too seriously and kicking back with WINE and a buddy (hubby?) and just having some good old fashioned fun. We can't save the world single handedly but we can do it our way, one moment, one family at a time.

Lead by example and be yourself and lighten up love. It'll all be okay. We're merely ants on an elephants ass.


paintergirl said...

Thanks for coming by. I know I know, sometimes everything just gets so...weighty. I'll be better in the morn. Thanks sweetie.

I just had about 8 scummy posts from sales. I'm really mad now.

Vajana said...

and it's the true live spirits that end up being depressed about the state of the world...you just have to inspire to do what you can and know your limits.

I'm glad you're posting!! It certainly puts a happy spot in my day!

Now go do something creative just for yourself! Now Missy!

paintergirl said...

Hey Vajana, the working lass! I'm so happy that I brightened your day-I really needed that. I think I'll go sketch now that the wee one is in bed.

defiant goddess said...

Are you being a big baby? Not in my opinion. Granted, this is coming from a fellow artist who's trapped in the cog herself. But I'm trying to turn this wheel loose when massa's not looking. (Please forgive the slave reference but it's how I feel.)

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'm using this money to invest in myself so that I can go free someday soon.

I spent too many years feeling miserable about beign caught in the grind and it affected my creativity in a negative way. Now I just try to concentrate on being honorable, enthusiastic, and considerate in all that I do. Even the things I don't want to do. Maybe it's selfish but it helps me deal better and feel better while I'm doing it.

Thank you for letting me rant on your blog. :)

T said...

Hope you don't mind me letting on what I do ( sometimes you just want to be held and loved, not more advice or platitudes, but here goes ); I get my immediate family around me and do something we really enjoy; play games, picnic, whatever. It takes me away for just long enough to make it bearable again. Wifeys the artist of the family, so I can only empathise,as she goes thru the same feelings.

They may not make it that far, but I'm sending you groovy / lovely thoughts!!

Rose said...

Hey, just remember that it's ALWAYS preferable to be like you are than to be a contented mindless machine. Be glad in yourself that you feel things and that you care. Do what you can. Keep up the art. Love your kid. Take care of yourself.

paintergirl said...

First off-thanks for all the wonderful support. A gal can always use it. I feel better now. I did some nice skecthes and I am trying to do my responsible part in society. (aka-not letting the man stick it to me)

Goddess-I'm so happy you stopped by. And girl, you can always come over here and rant. That's what it's all about. It's true about being beaten down and then you don't feel creative. It's a horrible cycle. And I too am going to break it.

T-Where have you been you naughty boy. Probably busy like all of us. I like your recomendation. Turn off the tv and chill out with the fam. It's good advice for all of us. And I got warm fuzzies way over here on the other side of the pond. Thanks man.

Rose-My sister way on the other side of the world, thanks. I wonder if every one feels like this or if it's just a certain part of the population. Some people have better coping mechanisms than I do. Too sensitive I suppose. I've taken the Meyers-Briggs test numerous times over the last 15 years and I always come out the same-INFP. It's like 2% of the population. I just have to accept that and go with what I know and feel.

marybishop said...

Oh Sweet Pea, it is like our whole lives are being fucked over...I know exactly what you feel. (I think)

Husband and I would love to get out of the rat race, find some peace, throw the phone and the TV out the window and make pickles (we are right now!) bake bread, live off the land, own a wine bar where artists have lofts to work in and poetry readings and soft jazz and and and...but we end up doing what's expected, trying to grow grass where a green weed would thrive; dressing like "them" and following "their" rules...

It's this effing administration and the voters who thought they wanted him..and day after day, in Iraq --death and more death while money that could help here goes there..and for what?

The futility and frustration!

So that's why we have to do something fun to block out the bad - pink sparkly dry rose with salted spiced nuts works well....Stacey Kent singing her heart out helps also.

You are not alone. We are fighting a serious depression here in CT at my house....

acumamakiki said...

It's much better to be yourself and feel strange and alone in a system that isn't supportive, than to be just another person sucking up.

I have every faith that both you AND your husband are contributing to the world in the best way that you can right now.

My world is brightened by having 'met' you and you continue doing what you do best, being YOU!

paintergirl said...

Oh MB-Have you ever seen a show called the "Good Neighbors" It's a British sitcon from the 70's and the husband used to be an ad man-and suddenly he and his wife get sick of it all and becaome self suffiecient-in their little house in surbubia. Oh how I want to do this. It would be so hard though. I have cancelled netflix, and my long distance land line and all fo the stupid extras. We're walking to many places and I'm selling stuff little by little on ebay.

I love you wine bar, artists hangout. If you do this in the future, please tell us.

Acumamakiki-Thanks sister. Your words warm my heart. Sometimes you think you're alone with these thoughts, but really there are more people thinking the same thing. You just have to open up.

Gothamimage said...

PG, that was an interesting post. The world takes it's toll.But that's how it's always been, for everyone, at all times. We delude ourselves thinking otherwise.

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